today is the last day of 2009. pretty freaking ridiculous if you ask me. 2009 brought many things. it was a year of many firsts, and hopefully many "never agains".

resolutions. the first thing that this brings to my mind is losing weight, eating healthier, getting out of debt, etc. overall, i think resolutions are pretty lame. probably because i never keep mine. nonetheless, i decided to make some of my own for 2010. so, without further ado, my resolutions:

1) Graduate from Stuarts Draft High School[and a semester early!].

2) Actually complete my epic roadtrip to California.

3) Stop texting while I drive. [I know, I know. Texting is pretty much as bad as driving drunk, or even worse. Yet for some reason, I still text while I drive, and a lot at that. I'm really an idiot sometimes. Not only could I kill myself, I could kill another driver.]

4) Compile a little cookbook of all my favorite vegetarian recipes. This way upon finding out about my eating choices, I can share some of my favorite recipes with someone to convince them you can eat more than salad.

5)Get a job. Besides babysitting, and working at a greenhouse for one day, I've never had one. Yes, I realize this makes me a "slacker", "bum", whatever you want to call it.

6) Do a cooler, less intoxicated version of BeachWeek with Stephanie.

7)

AV-A-TAR.

saturday night, my mom and i found ourselves in the staunton mall's regal cinemas watching avatar. a week earlier, i had been awoken at 1:30 in the morning by my brother, peter with a text message that read: "Avatar... hands down best movie ever emm! Tell me when you see it. Av-A-Tar!" I called Peter the next day to inquire as to why I should dish out the dough to see this film. He assured me that the film had many subliminal messages that I would agree with, that the digital effects were superb, and that I just needed to see this movie, so..

I would have to say overall, this movie get's a A from me. Not an A+ movie, or an F, but a solid A. The digital effects were fantastic, so realistic, and yet at the same time like something from another world. The storyline was genius, although I thought parts of it were very predictable(peter disagreed).

Some notable lines from the movie that I jotted down as I was watching it are:

• " Our only security is pre-emptive attack."
• "We will combat terror with terror."

How many times were the two above messages relayed through President Bush regarding his intentions for the Middle East in the last 5 years? It's rather incredible. Something else that is incredible is how President Obama is throwing out these same words from his mouth, and a lot lately at that. I applaud director James Cameron(if his name rings a bell, he also directed the box office hit, "Titanic") for drawing such clear parallels in the movie with the ridiculous things that we ourselves have witnessed. I only hope that movie goers don't passively watch this film, but instead see the parallels, in turn think about what we have been subjected to do, and try to find out how to not allow it to happen anymore.

• "Hey Sully, how does it feel to betray your own race?" This line really caught my attention. To counteract the false belief that we owe our loyalty as humans to the people of our country, there is the belief that we are all men, and we all have value, therefore every war is unjust. Here's a quote to back that up: "All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers. each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the country he was born."- Francois Felenon, French bishop and mystic.

Anywho, here's a link for the Avatar trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9ceBgWV8io

Hope you're well.

fortunate fool

                  it's an hour past noon on christmas day. just like every year, rachel and i woke up and drove to mom's. once there, we woke up a tired, and grumpy jacob. then we gathered around our (fake, but beautiful) christmas tree and started opening the many presents. it was very cool that we got the huge package with all of our gifts enclosed that peter sent from california on christmas eve. opening his presents made him feel a little bit closer. the theme of my christmas presents this year was definitely literature. i got so many great books: Open:An Autobiography--Andre Agassi. East of Eden: John Steinbeck. Road Trip USA: Jamie Jensen. The Blue Sweater: Jacqueline Novogratz. Russell: The Basic Writings of Betrand Russell. I like books a whole lot.

                 Seeing mommy open her stocking, and gifts was really nice. I'm glad that I got her candy at the last minute. She does so much, and makes so many sacrifices for her children. She is like a giving machine on overdrive. I love you, mom.

                After the opening presents time was over, we started preparing our annual christmas breakfast. i stupidly got mad at jacob when he wanted the bacon to be broiled in the oven, instead of the microwave. my mom also made a breakfast casserole, with sausage. since the bacon had to be broiled, we would have to wait to put the cinnamon rolls in. once they were in, it would take a good 20 minutes til they would be finished. so, essentially, during breakfast i would have nothing to eat since everything that would be on the table would have meat. back to what i was saying-- i got mad at jacob. then i felt really guilty for getting mad over something that stupid. i mean on christmas, too. i have so much more room to grow. i ended up making myself eggs, problem solved.

              We all said good-bye to our mom and then headed back to father's house. Because of the freezing rain coming down, and the ice from last week still packing the road, Jake and I endured quite a slippery walk to the house. Once inside, it was time for more presents made complete with Erin, Leah, and father. There's only so much I can say about presents. They are nice? No, it was a good time. After all the presents were opened, all the wrapping paper on the floor, and Jacob left, my heart got very heavy.

             Heavy? On Christmas? Yep, heavy on Christmas. The only way I knew how to "handle" this heavy feeling was to blog. Lame? Probably. Effective though? Hopefully. I think why my heart oftentimes gets heavy on/near Christmas and New Year's is because this is the time I think of the past. This is the time that empty chairs are noticed. This is the time that people are missed, hurts are opened, "what-could/should/used to have been's" are realized. And you try to deal with them. You try to make sense of them. You still (very quietly, to yourself) wish that they had never happened, you timidly hope that there has to be a way to reconcile things to how they used to be. You wish that your family could all just be together, even if there's not one present, or even a tree for that matter.

           And then, then you realize there is nothing you can do but be thankful for what you do have. Even though it may be separated, I do still have a family. Even though they may not still be married, I have a mom and a dad. Instead of one house, I have two. Instead of one Christmas, I get two. I am so thankful for having shelter, for having siblings who love me, for having food in my stomach and  in the cupboards. I'm not confident that I would have enough paper in my house to write down everything that I am thankful for.

           If you are alone this Christmas Day, I want you to know that you are loved. You do matter. You are not alone. Your hurts, pains, and stories all matter. Please don't give up. Please find someone that you can talk to. Your life is valuable, and again, you do matter.

           If you remembered some people that you forgot to get gifts for this year, and would still like to, don't worry! You can still send an E-Certificate to someone, and change someone's life in the process. Check it out here: www.charitywater.org and tomsshoes.com

Here's a little something to make you think about how the majority of us do Christmas: http://www.apoplecticpress.org/Card%20Doubles%20Large/012.jpg

Merry Christmas.

p.s Peter got me some really fancy schmancy adidas shorts. Now I have to exercise. Thanks a lot, brother! :-)

well it kind of hurts.

death. i think that word evokes many different things for each person. the other day my dad heard me talking about it with my little sister, of 10 years. he got mad and said that "i shouldn't talk about that." i think fear is the most common reaction to death; either that or sadness. however, i don't think we should be scared of it, or avoid it. when you think about it, it's really just a part of life.

          i bring up this issue of death because i had a... i guess you could call it a personal revelation(?) about death this weekend. friday afternoon i was leaving draft, on my way to a wedding rehearsal in staunton to babysit. mind you, a blizzard was just starting then. so, i'm not more than three minutes from my house when i end up behind a long line of cars at a standstill. after about fifteen minutes, the line started to move, and then drive at a regular speed. on either side of the road there were two really, really banged up cars. being the rubberneck that i am, i caught a good look at both of the cars. the car to the left was banged up pretty badly, in a ditch. but the car to the right was just plain screwed. the whole front end could be adequately described as tiger woods' angry wife times10 getting their hands on it. like in a classic movie scenario, there was blood splattered over the cracked windshield. as i drove by i started thinking about mortality. more specifically,  my mortality. i started to do a sort of inventory of my very brief life. and.

          then i called my sister. i told her(among other things) that if i died, on the way to this wedding rehearsal in the blizzard, that.. that i would be okay with dying, right then at that moment in time. you ask, "why?" because i have lived such a full life. in no particular order, i got to spend time with my family, i've basically completed high school,  i've realized my dream of going to africa and tons of other countries, fallen in love and fallen out of love, had great friendships, and been through awful betrayals. by golly, i even got to learn how to operate a motor vehicle. ha. anyways. driving on that road i was overcome with some pretty heavy gratitude. i've really gotten to live this thing we call life.

         all that to say, i'm not wishing i would've died on that road or anything like that at. i'm glad i'm still alive. i'm glad i got to experience the blizzard of 2009, complete with hanging with the whole miller clan, shoveling my car out of a shit load of snow(in reality, sam kirchman shoveled more than me and rach combined) and cabin fever.

         i hope you're well. i hope you continually look for ways to feel alive. don't sleepwalk through life.

 and i couldn't resist throwing in this picture of me alive in kenya. this is charles. i miss him.
enjoy.

once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to. -alan keightley

it's amazing how alone you can feel, even when you're surrounded by many people.

i'm in my favorite coffee shop inhaling my favorite smoothie. you know, just doing the whole hipster thing. i can't believe i actually just said that.

these past few days have been filled with thoughts of inadequacy, failure, fear of failing, weirdness,  loneliness, and no- good things of that sort. but then.

i  thought something rather profound this morning. the place i am at in my life, or the place i'll be at in a matter of weeks, is a place many people would love to be at. i have no one keeping me here. no job tying me down. no obligations to fulfill. i am the holder of my own fate. i can stay, or i can go. that's a pretty freeing and beautiful idea.

as for me, i have chosen to go. i have lived in augusta county for just shy of 18 years. you can do a lot in 18 years. i have been doing a lot of the same. over, and over, and over again. i've known a large number of the same people my whole life. i've gone to the same church my whole life. i've driven the same roads, gone to the same restuarants, walked the same routes over and over again. you get the picture.

where am i going? i am packing up a car that i don't have yet to travel from stuarts draft, virginia to stanton, california. (pretty ironic considering the coffee shop that i'm in right now is located in a town also called staunton, with just one letter of a difference grammatically, but worlds apart otherwise). i am so excited to cross this vast, beautiful country. i'm even excited that i'm doing it solo, and not with someone else. six months ago, my vision of a cross-country trip was vastly different. i am learning that change can be good.

what will i do once i get there? besides knowing that i'll be crashing on my brother, peter's couch along with his 4 roommates, i don't know much else. i do know that i'll most likely spend lots of time at the different beaches, spending time with my brother, walking around exploring, taking photographs, and most likely babysitting. oh, and i'll probably visit a handful of colleges. blasted colleges.

i don't have a unique way of ending this.

so. you should check out this website. this dude. and his ideas. http://chrisguillebeau.com

brothers.

i'm not a huge supporter of mainstream films. furthermore, i rarely find myself dishing out $9 to watch a film with a bunch of loud strangers at the theatre. but, last night my dad, my sister rachel, and i went to go watch the film "brothers" at the staunton regal cinemas. i had seen the trailer some time ago, the story line had caught my attention, and i'm a huge fan of jake gyllenhaal's work. if you see any movie this year(and when i say movie, this is definitely excluding docu's), go see this one. it catalyzed conversation amongst us three afterwards, and definitely got my brain thinking about war, and reiterated my belief in just how wrong and unjust war is.


here's the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLlpabVRnyc

p.s Statistics say that 29% of Afghanistan and Iraq war veterans will suffer from Post Traumatic Stress disorder, otherwise known as PTSD.

p.s a staggering 120 war vets commit suicide every week. It's also estimated that as many as 100,000 Vietnam veterans have committed sucicide--nearly twice the number of troops killed during the actual war.

now, what are you waiting for? go get your hind end in the theatre nearest you.

i hate who i am when you're not here.


ethan clark is what's up.





i also want to take photographs, and quality ones at that.

stream of consciousness anyone?

i feel unrest in me. i suppose that's why i'm writing. i actually (foolishly) thought when i made a blog that i would faithfully write in it everyday, or at the very least, once a week. instead, like everything else in my life, i have been consistently inconsistent with this blog. rach should be arriving any minute now, home for christmas break from tennessee. scratch that, she just walked in. i like having her home.
              for the past few months, i have mostly been thinking about the ever-nearing future. the future being no more high school, california, and not being here. while i think it's okay to look to the future, i think there's definite value in being all here, in the present. no matter how many times i tell myself this, i still am usually dreaming of the future. at the same time, i am totally(mostly) enjoying my last weeks in high school. i got to have an awesome stereotypical day a little while back, complete with having the closest situation leading to a fight between me and a girl, and a very open discussion on "doing it" the first time. i've enjoyed joking, laughing, studying, and more joking with my school friends, along with going deeper with some as well.
              i'm tired of people telling me there comes a time when searching should end, doubt should eventually melt away, etc. i'm not going to force myself to do anything, especially to appease others. if i can't feel god, or have reason to believe in him, then i'm not going to do so for you. sorry. sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, sorry if it makes you question yourself, sorry sorry sorry.
              i don't think i will ever get tired of benjamin gibbard's voice, even if i died seven times over. thank goodness for pandora. and conor oberst.
              i thought it would be temporary. i definitely didn't think it would be permanent. i thought wrong. i am constantly astutely aware of being alone. i don't want to have to "be with" another human being to not feel alone. i want to be able to not feel so alone, even when i am very alone. i don't want to have to rely on a book, a god, anything. i would like to be content. i'm wondering if this is really not possible without one of the afore mentioned things.
              i would like for school to be canceled tomorrow, that sure would be nice. but if someone gets in a car crash/dies in a car crash, then i hope to the universe that it doesn't ice an inch. i have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow; it will be a glorious day when my teeth are just that, teeth(with no wires or braces).
              i hate how almost every sentence i type starts with "i." this life isn't about me, and it isn't really about you, either. it's about us. we're all in this together.
              for yearbook, my senior quote is this: Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. -Henry David Thoreau. Thoreau is one of my favorite poets, and i think, one of the  raddest poets ever. i'm not completely at ease with choosing this quote, it seems like there's some other one with more value that i could've used. in reality though, what does it really matter? what significance will the Stuarts Draft Yearbook of 2010 have? you tell me, cause i'm certain as hell i don't know.
              when i just wrote hell, for some reason it made me think of as a couple days ago, i have stopped standing up for the pledge of allegiance in the mornings at school. since the beginning of junior year i have stood up, but not crossed my heart or said the words. but since my time at school is quickly drawing towards a close, i figure if there's anything i want to do, i might as well do it now. not standing up has started some good conversations with my Drama One(freshmen) students.
[At this point in writing my father took the computer. To be as legitimately stream of consciousness i have chosen to stop now].

thanksgiving 2009.

was:

playing games with precious friend's at the leahy's tuesday night. so good. then catching the late viewing of Blindside with my brother, Jacob. I thought it was an okay film, apart from being so bloody predictable.

driving solo to dulles airport at 2:15 am on wednesday morning to get my brother, peter from california. in short: falling asleep on the road, sleeping in a sheetz parking lot for a 15 minute power-nap, and drinking half of a red bull before a joyous reunion.

(part of the) family dinner at mom's house wednesday night. then the keith grant suprising my sister, rachel and her boyfriend, sam later that night. playing rockband "the beatles" ensued with my brother, Jacob. Up was watched, and enjoyed by all.

thanksgiving morning was spent driving to my mom's parents house in richmond. once there, finally got to meet my cousin joel's wife, michelle, along with their two sons Logan(4) and Curtis(6 months). So much fun. Somehow Jacob and I ended up at the adult's table this year. How does that happen? Over factory-injected fowl, I learned that my Uncle Bruce works for the largest supplier of explosives to the US army. Automatically, my mind spit out a picture of me chained to their doors in protest. :-)

All of us kids(plus Sam of course) then left for my dad's parents house also in Richmond. His sister, Connie and all of her kids were there. Also, cousin Henry, and his wife, Colleen. I like them so much. Over dinner, I sat next to my cousin Hampton's husband, Ben. Being the first time I really got to talk to him, it was pretty fantastic. He converted me to red wine versus white, and answered all my questions about how he came to be a chef when he started out working for a computer software company. To the left of me sat my Uncle Deadbear. His main discussion over dinner was about how I should try to get into the best college possible, so then I could get a good job, etc. It's awfully hard to tell someone that you just want to help people in life, and could care less about your salary. People who considering helping to be writing tax write-off's as the highest form of charity just don't quite get it.

Late Thanksgiving night on the drive home, I think I had one of the worst brain fails ever. I somehow got it in my head that it would be a good idea to go Black Friday shopping with my mom. So, 6:15 Friday morning where was I? I was driving down 1-81 South headed to harrisonburg to get good deals of course! So Lame. Not 5 minutes after being inside the mall, I realized what an idiot I was. Here we are in awful times economically, and millions of people are grabbing things faster than you can say Kalamazoo. Not only in terms of money, but terms of characterIt was on the way home that I vowed to my mom "Never Again".

Friday night Rachel, Sam, and I headed to downtown Charlottesville. They graciously let me try to take some decent pictures of them, afterwards we split fries at 5 Guys. mmm. Then we headed to the Southern to listen to the Bowerbirds! It had been a long seven months since I had seen them last at MacRock. All I can say is wow. They played all of their classic old songs like, Olive Hearts, Hooves, Marbled Goodwit, In Our Talons, etc. Plus some of their newer stuff. I really like their new drummer. After they left, they even came out and played two more songs after much enthusiastic cheering from the crowd. What a good night. Oh yeah, plus I scored a bowerbirds bag that I'll now be using for grocery shopping instead of plastic bags. Boom.

Saturday (some of) the family headed to good 'ole Cracker Barrel with Peter for his "last meal". He chose this restuarant because the closest Barrel to him in California is all the way in Arizona. Who knew? After lunch, Mom, Peter, and I headed to Dulles for his send-off. Sad good-bye, but shall reunite in Florida with Pete in January.

Afterwards, I got in the driver's seat and with no directions proceeded to get mother and I into the heartland of Washington, DC. We were originally going to stop before getting into the city, and just park at a metro station, but ended up not doing so. We found parking, then proceeded to go inside a station and ask for directions to a restuarant that I had looked up right before we departed. Turns out we were only about five blocks away. boom. After stopping to ask someone for directions once, we arrived at Busboys and Poets. What a legitimate spot! They are a restaurant, bookstore, fair trade market, and gathering place. According to their website they are a community resource for artists, activists, writers, thinkers, and dreamers. To top it all off, the make a mean veggie burger. You can't really go wrong eating here.

Sunday morning was spent sleeping in and catching up on laundry. Then I hit the gym for a killer workout. Fun, right?

All in all, this thanksgiving is one for the books.

i am going to try to start posting more.

that being said, when i got into my car leaving school, and driving out of the parking lot, i felt something.

i felt myself feeling that i was going to miss being in my school when i go to tennessee this week.

weird.

3 1/2 months.

i cried today for the first time in 3 1/2 months. it came as a huge relief to me. i never thought i was going to be back to "normal" again. now, i want to believe that i will be.

want to.

some days are pretty okay.

others feel like i've just been in a serious car accident.... yet again.

SoCal

following are some of the things that occurred during a recent extended weekend trip to visit my brother:

1. Ate a burger for the first time in over a year at IN-AND-OUT burger upon arriving. (if you're wondering, it kind of tasted like garbage).

2. Finally met my Peter's sweet girlfriend, Jacqueline.

3. After working out in the Marriot Hotel(my bro's place of employment)gym room, getting a killer arm exercise in the process, Jacqui proceeds to tell me that a man recently died from a heart attack on that very same machine. Awkward.

4. Revisited Huntington Beach. Jacqui and I blame Peter for getting us both thrown under a killer wave, after pulling us out to sea, and assuring us the waves weren't that big. It felt so good to be back.

5. Had more free Starbucks drinks from the hotel in four days than should be allowed.

6. Began to seriously consider moving in with Pete and his fellow apartmentees second semester.

7. Went to the famed Saddeback Church for Sunday Services. This place was ridiculous to say the least. Coffee shops, grilles, restaurants, they had it all. I am still skeptical.

8. Watched a stellar sunrise with Peter and father at Huntington.

I hope this finds you well.

when i'm alone, i won't be lonely

walking down west broad street in richmond to(friday)night, there were tons of interesting people, take-two sights, delicious smells, and sweet art galleries.

then. i heard it. ringing from a street corner was a man yelling. a man yelling on a fairly large stepstool(that he later informed a passerby they could get their very own stepstool at ACE hardware). this man was sweating profusely, yelling such things like: you ALL are ENEMIES of God. you all ARE going to hell, if you do not repent this VERY instant.

oh dear. to watch the reactions of passerbys was at the same time heart-breaking, and sometimes, hilarious. anything from a lady with this god-awful look of sorrow on her face to a man going right up to this yeller's face saying, "See YOU in hell, dude."

i attempted to converse with one of the yeller's friends(micheal), who would soon take his place on the stepstool. it started with michael telling me as he was eating a butterfinger candy bar that he had only just found out about butterfingers last week! michael proceeded to ask me what i thought about what they were doing. i told him that it quite frankly discouraged me because the jesus that i had known was a man of love, not a man that yelled in your face telling you that yep, you're going to hell. the conversation naturally ended with michael telling me that he never should have taken the huge leap of faith and bought that cursed butterfinger before heading downtown.

only kidding. it did however end with me wondering how on earth a grown man of at least 25 years hadn't heard of or seen butterfinger bars til now.

finally, the reason i ventured downtown, to go to a house show slowly arrived at 11:30.
aimee argote (myspace.com/desark) started playing in someone's second floor apartment. aimee told us one of her songs was about how she didn't feel too awful when she sometimes said a mean word to someone, because she is an athiest, and therefore didn't have to worry about being sent to hell.

i say all this because tonight there was a bible-thumping man on the street corner yelling about how his god was going to send everyone to hell. and tonight, encircled by 50-ish people, there was a self-proclaimed athiest woman playing her guitar, and telling jokes.

who did i see more of jesus in? you got it: aimee.

the seashore and i will be hanging out tomorrow. holler.

might die from medication

but at least she killed all the pain.

nothing is ever as it seems.

i have many many things that i would like to write, but don't quite know how to say them. it's very frustrating.

it puzzles me how i am able to keep existing when so many lives around me are crumbling to pieces.

i gave you my heart, but then you took my lungs from me.

shock. sorrow. shock. sorrow. shock. sorrow. shock.

you know that one person that you give the real, vulnerable piece of your heart to?

what are you supposed to do when their grasped fingers suddenly open up, letting your heart fall to the ground?

i'll drive them away; the images in your head.

it's been almost a month and a half, but it hasn't escaped my mind yet. I thought it would fade with time. I thought wrong.

The last two weeks or so have been over-shadowed by:

--remembering at least once every couple of hours.
--flashbacks.
--nightmares.
--feeling really detached and numb.
--insomnia.
--feeling jumpy and getting scared way too easily.
--(new) headaches.

on another note, tonight is the perseid meteor shower. when i realized this, it evoked a memory deep inside of me. it must have been at least six or so years ago now, i remember mommy waking all of us sleepy kids up around 4:30 AM and then we all slowly made our way outside freezing, wrapped in blankets and sat on lawn chairs in the front lawn. that was the most falling stars i have ever seen. they came faster than you could count them. and for that brief time, our family was together. all was right with the world. memories are such a blessing. and. a curse.

i'm just stoked that i'll have something to watch while trying to fall asleep.


also. school starts a week from today. since i am student-teaching a drama 1 class and taking drama 3 i'm not to worried about this semester academic-wise. and, i am really close to only having to attend classes first semester! central office just has to approve, and then i can do whatever i want second semester.(since i only need two more credits to graduate with an advanced diploma--BOOM!) i'm thinking something like an "Into the Wild" solo voyage, but more on that later.

i hope this finds you well.

p.s check out banksy! definitely one of my favourite graffitti artists.

www.banksy.com.uk

A Stranger With No Door Key

So many emotions come over me even as I begin to write. It has been five days since we were together, and still I can see their eyes, feel their touch, wait in the balance of moments and unknowns and swirling reactions that overwhelmed me often. And somehow, I honestly know I will never be the same.

I went to Kenya crazy stoked to finally be realizing my dream of visiting the continent of Africa--the continent that I had spent a long six years dreaming about going to. I went expecting some sort of magical, movie-like, high to occur on this huge piece of foreign land. I now understand how ridiculous this train of thought was.

Not that I didn't have some pretty magical moments, i totally did. I fended off pickpockets. Laughed during tribal dances. Stared down rhinos and gazed in awe at lions. Took care of orphans who had either been abandoned at birth or parents died of aids. Taught kindergarten to the most well-behaved, impoverished kids ever.  Hand-fed giraffes. Dined at a five-star hotel and ate goat in a shack. Fought through malaria and a severe bacteria infection. Saw death in it's most raw form and heard about babies being born.In between these things, I wandered. Sometimes with friends, sometimes alone, sometimes safe, sometimes not. 

I just don't think I was prepared to see so much hurt, destruction, injustice, poverty, sadness, and hopelessness. Kenya is a beautiful country. The people are beautiful, the land is beautiful, they have some beautiful animals. There definitely isn't a lack of beauty. 

Being home is weird to say the least. I had the normal first few days of culture shock(where's all the matatu's? i just spent $10 putting petrol in my car; that's more dough than I would spend in a week in Kenya!) But even after those first initial days, this still doesn't feel like home. Nothing is as it was before I left. Correction: Nothing here has really changed. But I have. I have changed. I find no fulfillment, no joy in anything that I am doing here. I get up, and the whole day I just do what I want to do. That is so foreign to me in one way.                         

In Kenya, I got up and I served people all day long. That was about it. I lost my identity there, I became just another one of the volunteers. And I don't think I realized how much I was going to miss that. I miss doing things that matter. I miss having a purpose everyday. I realize that I can have purpose here, I just want my purpose to be what it was in Kenya. (Taking care of orphans, and teaching young kids.)

I saw this idea written somewhere, and I don't think it could ring any more true for me: If one has tasted the waters of Africa once, you will thirst until you taste them again. Step foot there once, and a chunk of your heart's flesh is inexorably torn out and left on the continent--with the people. 

What little of my faith that was left before I left for Kenya is now even more shattered and ironically, a little rebuilt at the same time. My mind will keep spinning. I will keep questioning. The tears have stopped falling, but the deep sorrow remains. The images are grossly ingrained on my heart, and I can see them clearly in my head. I haven't had a nightmare in a few days. Nothing will ever appear the same again.

For now, I have no other choice but to be back in Stuarts Draft, Virginia, in the United States of America. So i might as well be all here. I will try to assimilate back into my life, but I know things will never be the same. Ever. And I won't apologize for being a different person.  

**Sorry if this appears scattered and comes across as rambling. Good chances are that it is. 

every moment.

disclaimer: my mind has seemed to be caught in a fog lately.

i can honestly say that i don't feel that i am the same person i was two weeks ago. i didn't have a "life-changing experience" or anything of that sort. i am just constantly changing.

i have realized over the past few months how much of a loner i really am. i mostly just hang out by myself when it comes down to it. last night was good. really good. i got to have some good conversation with a friend who just got in from college for the summer. later another friend and i went walking around downtown. we ended up hanging with three legit people for awhile. i really like meeting, and getting to know new people. then i got to talk with another good friend for a little less than 2 hours. we were not meant to live isolated, lonely lives.

four things that have become more of realities to me as of late:
1) the fact that we all just want to be loved, feel accepted, and experience some community. when it really comes down to it, that's all anyone really wants. that's all i want. it sucks to feel like you don't belong, or are looked down upon because you've screwed up way more than others. 2) i am realizing more and more how selfish i am, you are, and we all are. behind every action, or word that i say, it seems that there is a motive of selfishness. and that sucks. big time. even when i'm giving my time to help someone or whatever, one reason i'm probably doing that is to feel good about myself. i don't accomplish much these days, probably because before i do anything, i try to guage how selfish(or selfless) it is. 3) i have a ton of doubt, and only a smidgen of faith. and. when i doubt, i feel stupid for doubting, because something deep inside of me knows that there is absolute truth. but i allow myself to get tripped up in my circumstances, which is lame. i think its easier to not believe than to believe. because faith doesn't make sense. 4) i highly value honesty and vulnerability. i am(trying) to be real. i say what i feel. i will share what is going on with me. and i would love to hear your story. storytelling is powerful, especially if it is your story that you are telling.

i am thankful to have someone who really loves me in my life. and someone who i can, in return love. i am thankful for today. days like today give me a glimmer of hope for tomorrow, and the feeling that things might actually get better. whatever that means.

i have watched more tv in the past 3 days than i probably have in my entire life.

i am in desperate need. i need prayer. i could use some more hope. i decided to go to the ER yesterday morning, cause i had been feeling really, really shitty since wednesday night. shitty= not being able to sleep more than 4 hours each night, feeling very weak(weak as in i have to take a break halfway up the stairs, and get tired changing clothes,etc.), almost fainting a couple times, feeling like my body is on fire(this is crazy for me, because i am usually freezing), my heart feeling like its going to explode, food making me feel naseous, and losing 11 pounds in three days. 

so, i went to the ER. and it was a waste of time. they told me i needed to go to home and get some rest. really? like are you fucking kidding me? all i've been doing is laying on the couch for the past three days and you tell me i just need more rest. i am beyond frustrated at this point. i am praying that this is just some crazy virus, and it will suddenly pass. i can only hope that is it. 

i can use your prayers, no, i NEED your prayers.  i honestly don't have much hope that God will heal me. I know he can. At this point though, I think he maybe doesn't want to heal me. And that sucks. I need more faith. So many people are in such greater need than me. 

listen to noah gundersen if you get the chance. he's been great to listen to this week for me. 

oh. yesterday, i managed to force a bowl of cereal down. it took me almost half an hour, but i did it. praise God for the little things.

i love you all.  

its not over. yet.

it's really something when your body fails you. 

its easy to get down. to throw a pity party(in private, of course) for yourself. i have been missing an incredible amount of school in the past month or two. i don't particularly like school, often i feel like i could be learning so much more if i wasn't trapped in there. so, every once in a while i just don't go. because of this bad habit, i don't have much credibility when i tell people i wasn't at school because i didn't feel well.

but then. other times i can't physically go. my stomach hurts so bad i can do nothing but sit and try to wait it out. it can best be described as an ice pick slowly tearing through my stomach. other days, i have to leave school early because it(the pain) will just come out of nowhere. i went to doctors back in the winter, and it just go so.so frusturating because they never had any answers. hell, they even thought i had some psychological disorder. i think i am going to go back to the doctors in may if this hasn't gotten any better. 

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."-Psalm 130:5 

My body aches, and it hurts to sing. And no one is moving. These lyrics by dallas green seem like they could be mine. 

love.

Burden.

Friends,

Bombardment of statistics, propaganda and peoples opinion's is overwhelming and burdensome. We’re in the midst of choices clouded by self and sin. Choices that try to define our fallen existence and wage war on our quest through life for truth. We’ve all asked ourselves “what is truth?” The truth is that we are in a fallen world, filled with fallen people and we fall. We make mistakes. We turn right instead of left and then deal with the consequences of what we think shouldn’t be. Then comes guilt. Shame. Loneliness. And depression.

- Twenty percent of people in the world live on one dollar a day.
- Another 20 percent live on two dollars a day.
- Twenty percent of us live on more than seventy dollars a day.
- More than two billion children live in our world, half in poverty.
- One out of every four children in the world has to work instead of going to school.
- Eight percent of people in the world own a car.
- Over one billion people have unsafe drinking water.
- A child dies of hunger every sixteen seconds.

Overwhelming? You bet. What do we do with this burden?

“Next to money and guns, the third largest North American export is the U.S. idealist, who turns up in every theater of the world: the teacher, the volunteer, the missionary, the community organizer, the economic developer, and the vacationing do-gooders. Ideally, these people define their role as service. Actually, they frequently wind up alleviating the damage done by money and weapons, or “seducing” the “underdeveloped” to the benefits of the world of affluence and achievement. Perhaps this is the moment to instead bring home to the people of the U.S. the knowledge that the way of life they have chosen simply is not alive enough to be shared.” -Ivan Illich

Are our good intentions to share our lives, our ideals, our opinions and our rights, right? Or even good for that matter? My answer right now is no (still in the process). So what should we share?

Truth.

“Love seeks not its own.” – Paul

Love isn’t self-seeking. God calls us to love Him first then love others. It’s impossible for us to truly love others if we do not first love God with all of our heart, soul and mind. We will fail, but the beauty is that God uses our failures to draw us back to Him.

What if our self-seeking was really seeking the good of others? Would this be considered love?

We must first ask, what is the good of others? Is what’s “good” for me good for you? [God, love, truth, salvation, and the fruit of the Spirit are good for everyone – but I’m talking about humanitarianism].

The only way I’ll ever know what’s good for someone else is to ask. To know them, live life and be in community with them.  

Something for us(or me) to ponder.

Love.