every moment.

disclaimer: my mind has seemed to be caught in a fog lately.

i can honestly say that i don't feel that i am the same person i was two weeks ago. i didn't have a "life-changing experience" or anything of that sort. i am just constantly changing.

i have realized over the past few months how much of a loner i really am. i mostly just hang out by myself when it comes down to it. last night was good. really good. i got to have some good conversation with a friend who just got in from college for the summer. later another friend and i went walking around downtown. we ended up hanging with three legit people for awhile. i really like meeting, and getting to know new people. then i got to talk with another good friend for a little less than 2 hours. we were not meant to live isolated, lonely lives.

four things that have become more of realities to me as of late:
1) the fact that we all just want to be loved, feel accepted, and experience some community. when it really comes down to it, that's all anyone really wants. that's all i want. it sucks to feel like you don't belong, or are looked down upon because you've screwed up way more than others. 2) i am realizing more and more how selfish i am, you are, and we all are. behind every action, or word that i say, it seems that there is a motive of selfishness. and that sucks. big time. even when i'm giving my time to help someone or whatever, one reason i'm probably doing that is to feel good about myself. i don't accomplish much these days, probably because before i do anything, i try to guage how selfish(or selfless) it is. 3) i have a ton of doubt, and only a smidgen of faith. and. when i doubt, i feel stupid for doubting, because something deep inside of me knows that there is absolute truth. but i allow myself to get tripped up in my circumstances, which is lame. i think its easier to not believe than to believe. because faith doesn't make sense. 4) i highly value honesty and vulnerability. i am(trying) to be real. i say what i feel. i will share what is going on with me. and i would love to hear your story. storytelling is powerful, especially if it is your story that you are telling.

i am thankful to have someone who really loves me in my life. and someone who i can, in return love. i am thankful for today. days like today give me a glimmer of hope for tomorrow, and the feeling that things might actually get better. whatever that means.