it's an hour past noon on christmas day. just like every year, rachel and i woke up and drove to mom's. once there, we woke up a tired, and grumpy jacob. then we gathered around our (fake, but beautiful) christmas tree and started opening the many presents. it was very cool that we got the huge package with all of our gifts enclosed that peter sent from california on christmas eve. opening his presents made him feel a little bit closer. the theme of my christmas presents this year was definitely literature. i got so many great books: Open:An Autobiography--Andre Agassi. East of Eden: John Steinbeck. Road Trip USA: Jamie Jensen. The Blue Sweater: Jacqueline Novogratz. Russell: The Basic Writings of Betrand Russell. I like books a whole lot.
Seeing mommy open her stocking, and gifts was really nice. I'm glad that I got her candy at the last minute. She does so much, and makes so many sacrifices for her children. She is like a giving machine on overdrive. I love you, mom.
After the opening presents time was over, we started preparing our annual christmas breakfast. i stupidly got mad at jacob when he wanted the bacon to be broiled in the oven, instead of the microwave. my mom also made a breakfast casserole, with sausage. since the bacon had to be broiled, we would have to wait to put the cinnamon rolls in. once they were in, it would take a good 20 minutes til they would be finished. so, essentially, during breakfast i would have nothing to eat since everything that would be on the table would have meat. back to what i was saying-- i got mad at jacob. then i felt really guilty for getting mad over something that stupid. i mean on christmas, too. i have so much more room to grow. i ended up making myself eggs, problem solved.
We all said good-bye to our mom and then headed back to father's house. Because of the freezing rain coming down, and the ice from last week still packing the road, Jake and I endured quite a slippery walk to the house. Once inside, it was time for more presents made complete with Erin, Leah, and father. There's only so much I can say about presents. They are nice? No, it was a good time. After all the presents were opened, all the wrapping paper on the floor, and Jacob left, my heart got very heavy.
Heavy? On Christmas? Yep, heavy on Christmas. The only way I knew how to "handle" this heavy feeling was to blog. Lame? Probably. Effective though? Hopefully. I think why my heart oftentimes gets heavy on/near Christmas and New Year's is because this is the time I think of the past. This is the time that empty chairs are noticed. This is the time that people are missed, hurts are opened, "what-could/should/used to have been's" are realized. And you try to deal with them. You try to make sense of them. You still (very quietly, to yourself) wish that they had never happened, you timidly hope that there has to be a way to reconcile things to how they used to be. You wish that your family could all just be together, even if there's not one present, or even a tree for that matter.
And then, then you realize there is nothing you can do but be thankful for what you do have. Even though it may be separated, I do still have a family. Even though they may not still be married, I have a mom and a dad. Instead of one house, I have two. Instead of one Christmas, I get two. I am so thankful for having shelter, for having siblings who love me, for having food in my stomach and in the cupboards. I'm not confident that I would have enough paper in my house to write down everything that I am thankful for.
If you are alone this Christmas Day, I want you to know that you are loved. You do matter. You are not alone. Your hurts, pains, and stories all matter. Please don't give up. Please find someone that you can talk to. Your life is valuable, and again, you do matter.
If you remembered some people that you forgot to get gifts for this year, and would still like to, don't worry! You can still send an E-Certificate to someone, and change someone's life in the process. Check it out here: www.charitywater.org and tomsshoes.com
Here's a little something to make you think about how the majority of us do Christmas: http://www.apoplecticpress.org/Card%20Doubles%20Large/012.jpg
Merry Christmas.
p.s Peter got me some really fancy schmancy adidas shorts. Now I have to exercise. Thanks a lot, brother! :-)
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