stream of consciousness anyone?

i feel unrest in me. i suppose that's why i'm writing. i actually (foolishly) thought when i made a blog that i would faithfully write in it everyday, or at the very least, once a week. instead, like everything else in my life, i have been consistently inconsistent with this blog. rach should be arriving any minute now, home for christmas break from tennessee. scratch that, she just walked in. i like having her home.
              for the past few months, i have mostly been thinking about the ever-nearing future. the future being no more high school, california, and not being here. while i think it's okay to look to the future, i think there's definite value in being all here, in the present. no matter how many times i tell myself this, i still am usually dreaming of the future. at the same time, i am totally(mostly) enjoying my last weeks in high school. i got to have an awesome stereotypical day a little while back, complete with having the closest situation leading to a fight between me and a girl, and a very open discussion on "doing it" the first time. i've enjoyed joking, laughing, studying, and more joking with my school friends, along with going deeper with some as well.
              i'm tired of people telling me there comes a time when searching should end, doubt should eventually melt away, etc. i'm not going to force myself to do anything, especially to appease others. if i can't feel god, or have reason to believe in him, then i'm not going to do so for you. sorry. sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, sorry if it makes you question yourself, sorry sorry sorry.
              i don't think i will ever get tired of benjamin gibbard's voice, even if i died seven times over. thank goodness for pandora. and conor oberst.
              i thought it would be temporary. i definitely didn't think it would be permanent. i thought wrong. i am constantly astutely aware of being alone. i don't want to have to "be with" another human being to not feel alone. i want to be able to not feel so alone, even when i am very alone. i don't want to have to rely on a book, a god, anything. i would like to be content. i'm wondering if this is really not possible without one of the afore mentioned things.
              i would like for school to be canceled tomorrow, that sure would be nice. but if someone gets in a car crash/dies in a car crash, then i hope to the universe that it doesn't ice an inch. i have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow; it will be a glorious day when my teeth are just that, teeth(with no wires or braces).
              i hate how almost every sentence i type starts with "i." this life isn't about me, and it isn't really about you, either. it's about us. we're all in this together.
              for yearbook, my senior quote is this: Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. -Henry David Thoreau. Thoreau is one of my favorite poets, and i think, one of the  raddest poets ever. i'm not completely at ease with choosing this quote, it seems like there's some other one with more value that i could've used. in reality though, what does it really matter? what significance will the Stuarts Draft Yearbook of 2010 have? you tell me, cause i'm certain as hell i don't know.
              when i just wrote hell, for some reason it made me think of as a couple days ago, i have stopped standing up for the pledge of allegiance in the mornings at school. since the beginning of junior year i have stood up, but not crossed my heart or said the words. but since my time at school is quickly drawing towards a close, i figure if there's anything i want to do, i might as well do it now. not standing up has started some good conversations with my Drama One(freshmen) students.
[At this point in writing my father took the computer. To be as legitimately stream of consciousness i have chosen to stop now].