today is the last day of 2009. pretty freaking ridiculous if you ask me. 2009 brought many things. it was a year of many firsts, and hopefully many "never agains".

resolutions. the first thing that this brings to my mind is losing weight, eating healthier, getting out of debt, etc. overall, i think resolutions are pretty lame. probably because i never keep mine. nonetheless, i decided to make some of my own for 2010. so, without further ado, my resolutions:

1) Graduate from Stuarts Draft High School[and a semester early!].

2) Actually complete my epic roadtrip to California.

3) Stop texting while I drive. [I know, I know. Texting is pretty much as bad as driving drunk, or even worse. Yet for some reason, I still text while I drive, and a lot at that. I'm really an idiot sometimes. Not only could I kill myself, I could kill another driver.]

4) Compile a little cookbook of all my favorite vegetarian recipes. This way upon finding out about my eating choices, I can share some of my favorite recipes with someone to convince them you can eat more than salad.

5)Get a job. Besides babysitting, and working at a greenhouse for one day, I've never had one. Yes, I realize this makes me a "slacker", "bum", whatever you want to call it.

6) Do a cooler, less intoxicated version of BeachWeek with Stephanie.

7)

AV-A-TAR.

saturday night, my mom and i found ourselves in the staunton mall's regal cinemas watching avatar. a week earlier, i had been awoken at 1:30 in the morning by my brother, peter with a text message that read: "Avatar... hands down best movie ever emm! Tell me when you see it. Av-A-Tar!" I called Peter the next day to inquire as to why I should dish out the dough to see this film. He assured me that the film had many subliminal messages that I would agree with, that the digital effects were superb, and that I just needed to see this movie, so..

I would have to say overall, this movie get's a A from me. Not an A+ movie, or an F, but a solid A. The digital effects were fantastic, so realistic, and yet at the same time like something from another world. The storyline was genius, although I thought parts of it were very predictable(peter disagreed).

Some notable lines from the movie that I jotted down as I was watching it are:

• " Our only security is pre-emptive attack."
• "We will combat terror with terror."

How many times were the two above messages relayed through President Bush regarding his intentions for the Middle East in the last 5 years? It's rather incredible. Something else that is incredible is how President Obama is throwing out these same words from his mouth, and a lot lately at that. I applaud director James Cameron(if his name rings a bell, he also directed the box office hit, "Titanic") for drawing such clear parallels in the movie with the ridiculous things that we ourselves have witnessed. I only hope that movie goers don't passively watch this film, but instead see the parallels, in turn think about what we have been subjected to do, and try to find out how to not allow it to happen anymore.

• "Hey Sully, how does it feel to betray your own race?" This line really caught my attention. To counteract the false belief that we owe our loyalty as humans to the people of our country, there is the belief that we are all men, and we all have value, therefore every war is unjust. Here's a quote to back that up: "All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers. each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the country he was born."- Francois Felenon, French bishop and mystic.

Anywho, here's a link for the Avatar trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9ceBgWV8io

Hope you're well.

fortunate fool

                  it's an hour past noon on christmas day. just like every year, rachel and i woke up and drove to mom's. once there, we woke up a tired, and grumpy jacob. then we gathered around our (fake, but beautiful) christmas tree and started opening the many presents. it was very cool that we got the huge package with all of our gifts enclosed that peter sent from california on christmas eve. opening his presents made him feel a little bit closer. the theme of my christmas presents this year was definitely literature. i got so many great books: Open:An Autobiography--Andre Agassi. East of Eden: John Steinbeck. Road Trip USA: Jamie Jensen. The Blue Sweater: Jacqueline Novogratz. Russell: The Basic Writings of Betrand Russell. I like books a whole lot.

                 Seeing mommy open her stocking, and gifts was really nice. I'm glad that I got her candy at the last minute. She does so much, and makes so many sacrifices for her children. She is like a giving machine on overdrive. I love you, mom.

                After the opening presents time was over, we started preparing our annual christmas breakfast. i stupidly got mad at jacob when he wanted the bacon to be broiled in the oven, instead of the microwave. my mom also made a breakfast casserole, with sausage. since the bacon had to be broiled, we would have to wait to put the cinnamon rolls in. once they were in, it would take a good 20 minutes til they would be finished. so, essentially, during breakfast i would have nothing to eat since everything that would be on the table would have meat. back to what i was saying-- i got mad at jacob. then i felt really guilty for getting mad over something that stupid. i mean on christmas, too. i have so much more room to grow. i ended up making myself eggs, problem solved.

              We all said good-bye to our mom and then headed back to father's house. Because of the freezing rain coming down, and the ice from last week still packing the road, Jake and I endured quite a slippery walk to the house. Once inside, it was time for more presents made complete with Erin, Leah, and father. There's only so much I can say about presents. They are nice? No, it was a good time. After all the presents were opened, all the wrapping paper on the floor, and Jacob left, my heart got very heavy.

             Heavy? On Christmas? Yep, heavy on Christmas. The only way I knew how to "handle" this heavy feeling was to blog. Lame? Probably. Effective though? Hopefully. I think why my heart oftentimes gets heavy on/near Christmas and New Year's is because this is the time I think of the past. This is the time that empty chairs are noticed. This is the time that people are missed, hurts are opened, "what-could/should/used to have been's" are realized. And you try to deal with them. You try to make sense of them. You still (very quietly, to yourself) wish that they had never happened, you timidly hope that there has to be a way to reconcile things to how they used to be. You wish that your family could all just be together, even if there's not one present, or even a tree for that matter.

           And then, then you realize there is nothing you can do but be thankful for what you do have. Even though it may be separated, I do still have a family. Even though they may not still be married, I have a mom and a dad. Instead of one house, I have two. Instead of one Christmas, I get two. I am so thankful for having shelter, for having siblings who love me, for having food in my stomach and  in the cupboards. I'm not confident that I would have enough paper in my house to write down everything that I am thankful for.

           If you are alone this Christmas Day, I want you to know that you are loved. You do matter. You are not alone. Your hurts, pains, and stories all matter. Please don't give up. Please find someone that you can talk to. Your life is valuable, and again, you do matter.

           If you remembered some people that you forgot to get gifts for this year, and would still like to, don't worry! You can still send an E-Certificate to someone, and change someone's life in the process. Check it out here: www.charitywater.org and tomsshoes.com

Here's a little something to make you think about how the majority of us do Christmas: http://www.apoplecticpress.org/Card%20Doubles%20Large/012.jpg

Merry Christmas.

p.s Peter got me some really fancy schmancy adidas shorts. Now I have to exercise. Thanks a lot, brother! :-)

well it kind of hurts.

death. i think that word evokes many different things for each person. the other day my dad heard me talking about it with my little sister, of 10 years. he got mad and said that "i shouldn't talk about that." i think fear is the most common reaction to death; either that or sadness. however, i don't think we should be scared of it, or avoid it. when you think about it, it's really just a part of life.

          i bring up this issue of death because i had a... i guess you could call it a personal revelation(?) about death this weekend. friday afternoon i was leaving draft, on my way to a wedding rehearsal in staunton to babysit. mind you, a blizzard was just starting then. so, i'm not more than three minutes from my house when i end up behind a long line of cars at a standstill. after about fifteen minutes, the line started to move, and then drive at a regular speed. on either side of the road there were two really, really banged up cars. being the rubberneck that i am, i caught a good look at both of the cars. the car to the left was banged up pretty badly, in a ditch. but the car to the right was just plain screwed. the whole front end could be adequately described as tiger woods' angry wife times10 getting their hands on it. like in a classic movie scenario, there was blood splattered over the cracked windshield. as i drove by i started thinking about mortality. more specifically,  my mortality. i started to do a sort of inventory of my very brief life. and.

          then i called my sister. i told her(among other things) that if i died, on the way to this wedding rehearsal in the blizzard, that.. that i would be okay with dying, right then at that moment in time. you ask, "why?" because i have lived such a full life. in no particular order, i got to spend time with my family, i've basically completed high school,  i've realized my dream of going to africa and tons of other countries, fallen in love and fallen out of love, had great friendships, and been through awful betrayals. by golly, i even got to learn how to operate a motor vehicle. ha. anyways. driving on that road i was overcome with some pretty heavy gratitude. i've really gotten to live this thing we call life.

         all that to say, i'm not wishing i would've died on that road or anything like that at. i'm glad i'm still alive. i'm glad i got to experience the blizzard of 2009, complete with hanging with the whole miller clan, shoveling my car out of a shit load of snow(in reality, sam kirchman shoveled more than me and rach combined) and cabin fever.

         i hope you're well. i hope you continually look for ways to feel alive. don't sleepwalk through life.

 and i couldn't resist throwing in this picture of me alive in kenya. this is charles. i miss him.
enjoy.

once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to. -alan keightley

it's amazing how alone you can feel, even when you're surrounded by many people.

i'm in my favorite coffee shop inhaling my favorite smoothie. you know, just doing the whole hipster thing. i can't believe i actually just said that.

these past few days have been filled with thoughts of inadequacy, failure, fear of failing, weirdness,  loneliness, and no- good things of that sort. but then.

i  thought something rather profound this morning. the place i am at in my life, or the place i'll be at in a matter of weeks, is a place many people would love to be at. i have no one keeping me here. no job tying me down. no obligations to fulfill. i am the holder of my own fate. i can stay, or i can go. that's a pretty freeing and beautiful idea.

as for me, i have chosen to go. i have lived in augusta county for just shy of 18 years. you can do a lot in 18 years. i have been doing a lot of the same. over, and over, and over again. i've known a large number of the same people my whole life. i've gone to the same church my whole life. i've driven the same roads, gone to the same restuarants, walked the same routes over and over again. you get the picture.

where am i going? i am packing up a car that i don't have yet to travel from stuarts draft, virginia to stanton, california. (pretty ironic considering the coffee shop that i'm in right now is located in a town also called staunton, with just one letter of a difference grammatically, but worlds apart otherwise). i am so excited to cross this vast, beautiful country. i'm even excited that i'm doing it solo, and not with someone else. six months ago, my vision of a cross-country trip was vastly different. i am learning that change can be good.

what will i do once i get there? besides knowing that i'll be crashing on my brother, peter's couch along with his 4 roommates, i don't know much else. i do know that i'll most likely spend lots of time at the different beaches, spending time with my brother, walking around exploring, taking photographs, and most likely babysitting. oh, and i'll probably visit a handful of colleges. blasted colleges.

i don't have a unique way of ending this.

so. you should check out this website. this dude. and his ideas. http://chrisguillebeau.com

brothers.

i'm not a huge supporter of mainstream films. furthermore, i rarely find myself dishing out $9 to watch a film with a bunch of loud strangers at the theatre. but, last night my dad, my sister rachel, and i went to go watch the film "brothers" at the staunton regal cinemas. i had seen the trailer some time ago, the story line had caught my attention, and i'm a huge fan of jake gyllenhaal's work. if you see any movie this year(and when i say movie, this is definitely excluding docu's), go see this one. it catalyzed conversation amongst us three afterwards, and definitely got my brain thinking about war, and reiterated my belief in just how wrong and unjust war is.


here's the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLlpabVRnyc

p.s Statistics say that 29% of Afghanistan and Iraq war veterans will suffer from Post Traumatic Stress disorder, otherwise known as PTSD.

p.s a staggering 120 war vets commit suicide every week. It's also estimated that as many as 100,000 Vietnam veterans have committed sucicide--nearly twice the number of troops killed during the actual war.

now, what are you waiting for? go get your hind end in the theatre nearest you.

i hate who i am when you're not here.


ethan clark is what's up.





i also want to take photographs, and quality ones at that.

stream of consciousness anyone?

i feel unrest in me. i suppose that's why i'm writing. i actually (foolishly) thought when i made a blog that i would faithfully write in it everyday, or at the very least, once a week. instead, like everything else in my life, i have been consistently inconsistent with this blog. rach should be arriving any minute now, home for christmas break from tennessee. scratch that, she just walked in. i like having her home.
              for the past few months, i have mostly been thinking about the ever-nearing future. the future being no more high school, california, and not being here. while i think it's okay to look to the future, i think there's definite value in being all here, in the present. no matter how many times i tell myself this, i still am usually dreaming of the future. at the same time, i am totally(mostly) enjoying my last weeks in high school. i got to have an awesome stereotypical day a little while back, complete with having the closest situation leading to a fight between me and a girl, and a very open discussion on "doing it" the first time. i've enjoyed joking, laughing, studying, and more joking with my school friends, along with going deeper with some as well.
              i'm tired of people telling me there comes a time when searching should end, doubt should eventually melt away, etc. i'm not going to force myself to do anything, especially to appease others. if i can't feel god, or have reason to believe in him, then i'm not going to do so for you. sorry. sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, sorry if it makes you question yourself, sorry sorry sorry.
              i don't think i will ever get tired of benjamin gibbard's voice, even if i died seven times over. thank goodness for pandora. and conor oberst.
              i thought it would be temporary. i definitely didn't think it would be permanent. i thought wrong. i am constantly astutely aware of being alone. i don't want to have to "be with" another human being to not feel alone. i want to be able to not feel so alone, even when i am very alone. i don't want to have to rely on a book, a god, anything. i would like to be content. i'm wondering if this is really not possible without one of the afore mentioned things.
              i would like for school to be canceled tomorrow, that sure would be nice. but if someone gets in a car crash/dies in a car crash, then i hope to the universe that it doesn't ice an inch. i have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow; it will be a glorious day when my teeth are just that, teeth(with no wires or braces).
              i hate how almost every sentence i type starts with "i." this life isn't about me, and it isn't really about you, either. it's about us. we're all in this together.
              for yearbook, my senior quote is this: Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. -Henry David Thoreau. Thoreau is one of my favorite poets, and i think, one of the  raddest poets ever. i'm not completely at ease with choosing this quote, it seems like there's some other one with more value that i could've used. in reality though, what does it really matter? what significance will the Stuarts Draft Yearbook of 2010 have? you tell me, cause i'm certain as hell i don't know.
              when i just wrote hell, for some reason it made me think of as a couple days ago, i have stopped standing up for the pledge of allegiance in the mornings at school. since the beginning of junior year i have stood up, but not crossed my heart or said the words. but since my time at school is quickly drawing towards a close, i figure if there's anything i want to do, i might as well do it now. not standing up has started some good conversations with my Drama One(freshmen) students.
[At this point in writing my father took the computer. To be as legitimately stream of consciousness i have chosen to stop now].