i have watched more tv in the past 3 days than i probably have in my entire life.

i am in desperate need. i need prayer. i could use some more hope. i decided to go to the ER yesterday morning, cause i had been feeling really, really shitty since wednesday night. shitty= not being able to sleep more than 4 hours each night, feeling very weak(weak as in i have to take a break halfway up the stairs, and get tired changing clothes,etc.), almost fainting a couple times, feeling like my body is on fire(this is crazy for me, because i am usually freezing), my heart feeling like its going to explode, food making me feel naseous, and losing 11 pounds in three days. 

so, i went to the ER. and it was a waste of time. they told me i needed to go to home and get some rest. really? like are you fucking kidding me? all i've been doing is laying on the couch for the past three days and you tell me i just need more rest. i am beyond frustrated at this point. i am praying that this is just some crazy virus, and it will suddenly pass. i can only hope that is it. 

i can use your prayers, no, i NEED your prayers.  i honestly don't have much hope that God will heal me. I know he can. At this point though, I think he maybe doesn't want to heal me. And that sucks. I need more faith. So many people are in such greater need than me. 

listen to noah gundersen if you get the chance. he's been great to listen to this week for me. 

oh. yesterday, i managed to force a bowl of cereal down. it took me almost half an hour, but i did it. praise God for the little things.

i love you all.  

its not over. yet.

it's really something when your body fails you. 

its easy to get down. to throw a pity party(in private, of course) for yourself. i have been missing an incredible amount of school in the past month or two. i don't particularly like school, often i feel like i could be learning so much more if i wasn't trapped in there. so, every once in a while i just don't go. because of this bad habit, i don't have much credibility when i tell people i wasn't at school because i didn't feel well.

but then. other times i can't physically go. my stomach hurts so bad i can do nothing but sit and try to wait it out. it can best be described as an ice pick slowly tearing through my stomach. other days, i have to leave school early because it(the pain) will just come out of nowhere. i went to doctors back in the winter, and it just go so.so frusturating because they never had any answers. hell, they even thought i had some psychological disorder. i think i am going to go back to the doctors in may if this hasn't gotten any better. 

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."-Psalm 130:5 

My body aches, and it hurts to sing. And no one is moving. These lyrics by dallas green seem like they could be mine. 

love.

Burden.

Friends,

Bombardment of statistics, propaganda and peoples opinion's is overwhelming and burdensome. We’re in the midst of choices clouded by self and sin. Choices that try to define our fallen existence and wage war on our quest through life for truth. We’ve all asked ourselves “what is truth?” The truth is that we are in a fallen world, filled with fallen people and we fall. We make mistakes. We turn right instead of left and then deal with the consequences of what we think shouldn’t be. Then comes guilt. Shame. Loneliness. And depression.

- Twenty percent of people in the world live on one dollar a day.
- Another 20 percent live on two dollars a day.
- Twenty percent of us live on more than seventy dollars a day.
- More than two billion children live in our world, half in poverty.
- One out of every four children in the world has to work instead of going to school.
- Eight percent of people in the world own a car.
- Over one billion people have unsafe drinking water.
- A child dies of hunger every sixteen seconds.

Overwhelming? You bet. What do we do with this burden?

“Next to money and guns, the third largest North American export is the U.S. idealist, who turns up in every theater of the world: the teacher, the volunteer, the missionary, the community organizer, the economic developer, and the vacationing do-gooders. Ideally, these people define their role as service. Actually, they frequently wind up alleviating the damage done by money and weapons, or “seducing” the “underdeveloped” to the benefits of the world of affluence and achievement. Perhaps this is the moment to instead bring home to the people of the U.S. the knowledge that the way of life they have chosen simply is not alive enough to be shared.” -Ivan Illich

Are our good intentions to share our lives, our ideals, our opinions and our rights, right? Or even good for that matter? My answer right now is no (still in the process). So what should we share?

Truth.

“Love seeks not its own.” – Paul

Love isn’t self-seeking. God calls us to love Him first then love others. It’s impossible for us to truly love others if we do not first love God with all of our heart, soul and mind. We will fail, but the beauty is that God uses our failures to draw us back to Him.

What if our self-seeking was really seeking the good of others? Would this be considered love?

We must first ask, what is the good of others? Is what’s “good” for me good for you? [God, love, truth, salvation, and the fruit of the Spirit are good for everyone – but I’m talking about humanitarianism].

The only way I’ll ever know what’s good for someone else is to ask. To know them, live life and be in community with them.  

Something for us(or me) to ponder.

Love.