SoCal

following are some of the things that occurred during a recent extended weekend trip to visit my brother:

1. Ate a burger for the first time in over a year at IN-AND-OUT burger upon arriving. (if you're wondering, it kind of tasted like garbage).

2. Finally met my Peter's sweet girlfriend, Jacqueline.

3. After working out in the Marriot Hotel(my bro's place of employment)gym room, getting a killer arm exercise in the process, Jacqui proceeds to tell me that a man recently died from a heart attack on that very same machine. Awkward.

4. Revisited Huntington Beach. Jacqui and I blame Peter for getting us both thrown under a killer wave, after pulling us out to sea, and assuring us the waves weren't that big. It felt so good to be back.

5. Had more free Starbucks drinks from the hotel in four days than should be allowed.

6. Began to seriously consider moving in with Pete and his fellow apartmentees second semester.

7. Went to the famed Saddeback Church for Sunday Services. This place was ridiculous to say the least. Coffee shops, grilles, restaurants, they had it all. I am still skeptical.

8. Watched a stellar sunrise with Peter and father at Huntington.

I hope this finds you well.

when i'm alone, i won't be lonely

walking down west broad street in richmond to(friday)night, there were tons of interesting people, take-two sights, delicious smells, and sweet art galleries.

then. i heard it. ringing from a street corner was a man yelling. a man yelling on a fairly large stepstool(that he later informed a passerby they could get their very own stepstool at ACE hardware). this man was sweating profusely, yelling such things like: you ALL are ENEMIES of God. you all ARE going to hell, if you do not repent this VERY instant.

oh dear. to watch the reactions of passerbys was at the same time heart-breaking, and sometimes, hilarious. anything from a lady with this god-awful look of sorrow on her face to a man going right up to this yeller's face saying, "See YOU in hell, dude."

i attempted to converse with one of the yeller's friends(micheal), who would soon take his place on the stepstool. it started with michael telling me as he was eating a butterfinger candy bar that he had only just found out about butterfingers last week! michael proceeded to ask me what i thought about what they were doing. i told him that it quite frankly discouraged me because the jesus that i had known was a man of love, not a man that yelled in your face telling you that yep, you're going to hell. the conversation naturally ended with michael telling me that he never should have taken the huge leap of faith and bought that cursed butterfinger before heading downtown.

only kidding. it did however end with me wondering how on earth a grown man of at least 25 years hadn't heard of or seen butterfinger bars til now.

finally, the reason i ventured downtown, to go to a house show slowly arrived at 11:30.
aimee argote (myspace.com/desark) started playing in someone's second floor apartment. aimee told us one of her songs was about how she didn't feel too awful when she sometimes said a mean word to someone, because she is an athiest, and therefore didn't have to worry about being sent to hell.

i say all this because tonight there was a bible-thumping man on the street corner yelling about how his god was going to send everyone to hell. and tonight, encircled by 50-ish people, there was a self-proclaimed athiest woman playing her guitar, and telling jokes.

who did i see more of jesus in? you got it: aimee.

the seashore and i will be hanging out tomorrow. holler.

might die from medication

but at least she killed all the pain.

nothing is ever as it seems.

i have many many things that i would like to write, but don't quite know how to say them. it's very frustrating.

it puzzles me how i am able to keep existing when so many lives around me are crumbling to pieces.

i gave you my heart, but then you took my lungs from me.

shock. sorrow. shock. sorrow. shock. sorrow. shock.

you know that one person that you give the real, vulnerable piece of your heart to?

what are you supposed to do when their grasped fingers suddenly open up, letting your heart fall to the ground?

i'll drive them away; the images in your head.

it's been almost a month and a half, but it hasn't escaped my mind yet. I thought it would fade with time. I thought wrong.

The last two weeks or so have been over-shadowed by:

--remembering at least once every couple of hours.
--flashbacks.
--nightmares.
--feeling really detached and numb.
--insomnia.
--feeling jumpy and getting scared way too easily.
--(new) headaches.

on another note, tonight is the perseid meteor shower. when i realized this, it evoked a memory deep inside of me. it must have been at least six or so years ago now, i remember mommy waking all of us sleepy kids up around 4:30 AM and then we all slowly made our way outside freezing, wrapped in blankets and sat on lawn chairs in the front lawn. that was the most falling stars i have ever seen. they came faster than you could count them. and for that brief time, our family was together. all was right with the world. memories are such a blessing. and. a curse.

i'm just stoked that i'll have something to watch while trying to fall asleep.


also. school starts a week from today. since i am student-teaching a drama 1 class and taking drama 3 i'm not to worried about this semester academic-wise. and, i am really close to only having to attend classes first semester! central office just has to approve, and then i can do whatever i want second semester.(since i only need two more credits to graduate with an advanced diploma--BOOM!) i'm thinking something like an "Into the Wild" solo voyage, but more on that later.

i hope this finds you well.

p.s check out banksy! definitely one of my favourite graffitti artists.

www.banksy.com.uk

A Stranger With No Door Key

So many emotions come over me even as I begin to write. It has been five days since we were together, and still I can see their eyes, feel their touch, wait in the balance of moments and unknowns and swirling reactions that overwhelmed me often. And somehow, I honestly know I will never be the same.

I went to Kenya crazy stoked to finally be realizing my dream of visiting the continent of Africa--the continent that I had spent a long six years dreaming about going to. I went expecting some sort of magical, movie-like, high to occur on this huge piece of foreign land. I now understand how ridiculous this train of thought was.

Not that I didn't have some pretty magical moments, i totally did. I fended off pickpockets. Laughed during tribal dances. Stared down rhinos and gazed in awe at lions. Took care of orphans who had either been abandoned at birth or parents died of aids. Taught kindergarten to the most well-behaved, impoverished kids ever.  Hand-fed giraffes. Dined at a five-star hotel and ate goat in a shack. Fought through malaria and a severe bacteria infection. Saw death in it's most raw form and heard about babies being born.In between these things, I wandered. Sometimes with friends, sometimes alone, sometimes safe, sometimes not. 

I just don't think I was prepared to see so much hurt, destruction, injustice, poverty, sadness, and hopelessness. Kenya is a beautiful country. The people are beautiful, the land is beautiful, they have some beautiful animals. There definitely isn't a lack of beauty. 

Being home is weird to say the least. I had the normal first few days of culture shock(where's all the matatu's? i just spent $10 putting petrol in my car; that's more dough than I would spend in a week in Kenya!) But even after those first initial days, this still doesn't feel like home. Nothing is as it was before I left. Correction: Nothing here has really changed. But I have. I have changed. I find no fulfillment, no joy in anything that I am doing here. I get up, and the whole day I just do what I want to do. That is so foreign to me in one way.                         

In Kenya, I got up and I served people all day long. That was about it. I lost my identity there, I became just another one of the volunteers. And I don't think I realized how much I was going to miss that. I miss doing things that matter. I miss having a purpose everyday. I realize that I can have purpose here, I just want my purpose to be what it was in Kenya. (Taking care of orphans, and teaching young kids.)

I saw this idea written somewhere, and I don't think it could ring any more true for me: If one has tasted the waters of Africa once, you will thirst until you taste them again. Step foot there once, and a chunk of your heart's flesh is inexorably torn out and left on the continent--with the people. 

What little of my faith that was left before I left for Kenya is now even more shattered and ironically, a little rebuilt at the same time. My mind will keep spinning. I will keep questioning. The tears have stopped falling, but the deep sorrow remains. The images are grossly ingrained on my heart, and I can see them clearly in my head. I haven't had a nightmare in a few days. Nothing will ever appear the same again.

For now, I have no other choice but to be back in Stuarts Draft, Virginia, in the United States of America. So i might as well be all here. I will try to assimilate back into my life, but I know things will never be the same. Ever. And I won't apologize for being a different person.  

**Sorry if this appears scattered and comes across as rambling. Good chances are that it is.