i don't know which i'm more excited about: going home for christmas, or getting groped by the TSA.

"spare me from the mold''

i got my oil changed yesterday. the mechanic told me that i definitely needed a new air cabin filter(the place where your ac + heat come out) because mine had definitely hit the shitter. my words, not his. apparently, the filter should be changed every 5,000 miles and mine hadn't been replaced for over 75,000. he showed it to me, and it was covered in mold. i had been breathing in mold for the past few months. awesome. hopefully that explains all the dumb health problems i was having. 


thank god for car mechanics that actually know what they're doing.

babysitting two little boys tonight.




the things i do for monetary income. hah.

i finally got the results back from my brain mri. and.. it was completely normal. huge relief. however, my cholesterol is dangerously high. the doctor said it is at the levels of an obese 55 year old woman. so that's cool. i'm limiting my dairy intake again, and have even started running. 

Dear God,

i'm sorry for being such an asshole.

MRI

i walked into the doctor's office this morning for my mri, completed the necessary paperwork, and was then told that to get to the mri, i had to drive to the lower level of the office parking lot.


long story short, the mri was in a tractor trailer. yep, a tractor trailer. the technician was incredibly nice. the machine had to be reset three times. the firing squad sounds weren't as bad as i expected, and it didn't take a lot of effort to not freak out about laying in a coffin-like tube. the worst part was the dye that they injected inside me. definitely made my arm hurt at the injection site for a good hour, but that's to be expected i suppose. 


i'll get the results in a week. i'm feeling like it will come back normal, since they didn't make me do additional scans, or call me right after.


shalom to you + yours this evening.

tomorrow morning is my brain mri. 






holler?

tomorrow is thanksgiving ! my first thanksgiving away from home. 




and then the day after that is Buy Nothing Day. Stoked. 




i hope you all are surrounded by people that love you tomorrow. And enjoy your turkey, you meat heads.  :-)

since i'm getting an MRI of my brain saturday morning, i thought i'd look at what exactly i'm getting myself into[no pun intended]. 


and this is what google brings to the screen when i type in brain MRI:







thanks, google. i really, really appreciate that. because i mean it's not like i'm already nervous enough.


haha. good lord.

i had a lot of fun in vegas with my brother. we did typical vegas-like things.

• gambled.[well peter gambled, i watched. alas, i'm only 18]
• ate at the largest buffet i've ever laid eyes upon. such a good breakfast.
• saw blue man group! crazy, crazy, rad.
• danced in our hotel room overlooking the strip. [i may or may not have gotten vodka into my eye..]

  i painted my nails black last night to get ready for my trip to sin city with my brother today. this is normal pre-vegas stuff, right?

behind your eyes.

i went to an optometrist on wednesday, because i've been getting headaches for the past few months. he checked my eyes, and didn't find any problems with my vision. he referred me to a primary care physician for the following friday(today). 


my appointment was at 10am. i don't really like doctors offices. sick people scare me, and tend to make me sad. 


dr. hall was very, very thorough and genuine. i like him. when i explained my headaches, and awful short term memory problems to him, i saw behind his eyes change. it was like a flash of real concern/pity. [chances are i'm reading way into this, but i swear i saw it happen].


anywho, he sent me off for blood/urine testings. 


then, after i get outside of the office, as i'm walking to my car, i get a phone call. it's a secretary from the doctor's office telling me dr. hall scheduled me an appointment with a neurologist for later that day, and already set up an MRI for me next week. [talk about efficient!]


four hours later i meet with the neurologist. he isn't nice like dr. hall. he tells me most likely, i'm just stressed out. i try to convince him the only reason i have to be stressed out is because of my headaches and short term memory problems. he tells me that he doesn't see anything initially wrong, and in his opinion, there's a good 100% chance that the MRI will be perfect. i hope the MRI is perfect, too. but i also want to find out what's causing this. it's a very real problem. 


so for now, i wait til next saturday.


p.s i quit my job yesterday. it was pretty rad. i'm feeling good about it.

good film, better book.

+i may or may not have snuck into the theatre without paying.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you’ll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey."

The Princess Diaries

Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you,
it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to
blend into the world before, and people continue to hurt them.




so they get tired. they stop trying.

sometimes, i forget this.

last night, i failed.




 for the first time in almost a year. 

RIP Oscar, my childhood dog. 11/25/2000-10/28/2005

oscar helped teach me how to love, really. and for that, i am forever grateful.


please click on the link below to see a glimpse of what i felt the day that i lost him, and how today has made me feel all over again.

http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/2010/10/video-worth-watching-last-minutes-with-oden/

i only wish i could've spent more time with him.

i love you, oscar. and i will never, ever forget you.

<3

i've never watched this television show, but:

you didn't love her. you just didn't want to be alone. 

or maybe, she was just good for your ego. 

or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, 

but you didn't love her. because you don't destroy people you love.

-grey's anatomy

today

i read more of everett bogue's blog: farbeyondthestars.com . he is a minimalist to the extreme, and i am fascinated.

i also watched the real houswives: beverly hills. and i am disgusted.



good night.

rain.

i woke up this morning to rain. for many people this isn't a big deal, but when you live in orange county, california, it's huge. we haven't had rain since march. that's 7 months ! today was spent in a huge tee shirt and leggings, at the kitchen table working on stuff for my international business class, as my midterm is this week. normally a day spent doing homework isn't fun or particularly enjoyable, but today because of the rain, it was just right. the rain sounded like hundreds of kids licking the ground.

when i ventured outside for dinner, this rush of cold air punched me in the face. walking to the car, i looked down to admire my peter pan shoes,  and saw a red leaf plastered against the pavement.

 i was worried that in moving to california, i would miss the changing of seasons.

but it appears that i'm not missing anything.

tonight, i go to sleep happy.

i hope you are well.

confession:

i cry while watching the season finale of "real world". every time.


yes, i watch "real world."

every day

new possibilities arise. 
and that is pretty neat. 


i've been spinning an awfully exciting idea around my head these past few days. i hope to share it with others soon.


my first friend that i made in california, whose grown to be my best friend is leaving the country for at least six months(mostly likely for longer) in less than two weeks. i absolutely despise good-byes, as i'm sure most of you do, too. thinking about his departure makes my insides ache.




i hope you are well. and that you know you are loved. 

addictions.

The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.

That's it. That's all i've got.

Peace.

crazy

how listening to one song can cause you to look up every single thing you ever wrote to each other..


is there any truth in those hundreds of messages? or are they all just a bunch of bull shit lies? i feel like such a fool.

a fool who is afraid to love again.

with love comes the risk of being hurt. people tell you that your heart might get broken one day. what they don't tell you, is that sometimes the pieces will never again fit together as they should.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWi7Vfc3Sxw

tonight, i'm.

-missing kenya.
-thankful for friends.
-glad to be with family.
-ready to talk to you again.

last night.

i cried out to you.

i got nothing back.


i don't know how many more times i can go with you not being there..



on a less heavy note, my senior prom is tonight; 3000 miles away. needless to say, i'm not going. i wish i was. but spending $350 to get there is just ridiculous. i hope no one gets pregnant tonight, unless of course you want to i guess? just save yourselves some trouble and wear a chastity belt, kids.

also. for the first time in five or six years, i'm missing the mid-atlantic district youth retreat this weekend. bummer.

but, i'm about to work five days in a row so that should count for something, right? right.


happy mayday everyone. "everyone has value." "how can anyone be illegal?" -prop.

you think having 400 facebook friends means something.

until you actually need one of them.